The secret of the loch
Scotland is renowned for its iconic mountains and glens and none more so than the Great Glen itself which is home to the infamous Loch Ness in which it is said a monster lies.
Some of you may have heard tales of this elusive creature and some may even lay claim to have seen what they thought was the monster rising from the deep. But no-one has yet identified what this creature truly is.
But I am here to let you into the most closely guarded secret of the Scottish Highlands, the one that keeps tourists flocking back to the dark waters of the Loch Ness
Many centuries ago in the grand fortress of Urquhart Castle lived a Laird and his 3 sons.
By a twist of fate each son had been born precisely one year apart on the night of Samhuinn the Scottish Halloween.
The Laird doted over his sons as they had lost their mother in a boating accident in the waters of Loch Monar, he had great plans for them to wed the daughters of the Lords of the Isles extending their clan lands and opening trade routes across to the outer isles.
But a cloud loomed on the horizon.
A clan of selkies had made the loch their home and demanded a tribute each year on the night of Samhuinn.
Any son born on Samhuinn would be taken by the Selkies if the father was unable to sate the desires of the Selkie queen.
On the Laird's first son's 9th birthday it occurred that across the Loch a Smith's son reached his 10th birthday.
The Smith had spent the day in his forge preparing strong locks to keep his son safe in his room and in the evening made his way to the Loch side with a bottle of Whisky to fortify himself for the night's events.
A dark creature emerged from the Loch covered in weed and slimy skin, its nose sniffed the air and it recoiled at the smell of the Smith's stale sweat and body odour, it then saw that the Smith had drunk so much that he would not be able to raise his manhood to the task of the night. With a screech the Queen dove back into the water. No sooner than the ripples reached the shore than a scream came from the Smith's house as his wife found their son magicked away by the Selkies.
The first night
The laird spent the following year in a desperate search for an answer to their plight sending word far and wide for those that could to send help. Few came with answers and of those none solved the problem until a wise woman from high in the mountains of Affric appeared at his door. She presented him with three jars and instructions on how to use them.
On the night of Samhuinn the Laird was to bathe in fresh water taken from the Falls of Orin before applying a poultice of Sage, Thyme, Rosemary and Lavender to his body. As he left the castle he was to swallow the contents of the second jar, a tincture of Pine sap, Oak root and Birch bark, lastly when he arrived at the loch side he was to take the three mint leaves from the third jar and chew upon them.
As the last rays of light disappeared over the hills of Auchteraw, the Selkie Queen appeared from the water weed and shiny grey mottled skin glistening in the moon light. Her nose twitched, but unlike the Smith it was not in revulsion but in appreciation of the scent of the herbs that the Laird had spread upon his body. As she drew closer she caught a whiff of the mint on the Laird's breath, pleasing her so much that she shrugged off the skin that she wore. As the skin fell to the beach it revealed a lithe maiden with white hair like the crests of the waves on the loch surface, a smooth light brown skin dyed by the peaty waters of the loch and bright blue eyes that shone like the clear blue skies above the loch on a fine summers day.
The laird could not help himself, at the sight of the Queen his manhood began to rise, stiff and straight like the pine trees that grew in the glens of his land, hard and solid like the Oak roots that buried deep within the soil and with textured contours like the bark of the birch trees.
He took the Queen roughly and with a desperate passion to save his son and sate the Queen's needs. All through the night he drove at it, using his limited knowledge to try and make the Queen climax.
It wasn't until the first rays of dawn that the screams of her orgasm echoed across the waters and he collapsed on the ground. The Queen rose from the crushed heather that had been their bed and stepped into the water, casting a look backwards she promised that the Laird's first son would be safe both on and in the waters of the Loch.
The second night
The Laird made his way back to his castle and took to his bed for 3 days to recover from the exertions of the night. He knew he could not perform like that again and it had come all too close to failure so he called upon the wise woman for her help again.
For the coming year and to spare his second son from the depths of the Loch, the Laird should travel to Dunadd the seat of the Scottish Kings and beseech the council to let him study from the secret book of the Scots the Teagasc Mian ("Tagusk Meean").
The Laird did as she bid travelling through the hills to the far west where he spent months studying and taking notes from the "Tagusk Meean".
He returned in time for the second son's birthday and the wise woman supplied him with 3 jars to aid his night plus an extra jar to be used through the night.
This time when the light faded over the loch the Queen Appeared casting off her Selkie skin before she had left the water letting the cool loch water wash over her silken skin. Again the sight of her brought on the Laird's arousal, but this time instead of ravishing her, he took her hand and laid her down on a blanket. He then proceeded to follow the teachings of the "Tagusk Meean", finding all her erogenous zones teasing and stroking her fine skin, using the scented oils that the wise woman had mixed to heighten both their passions. Soon the trees were filled with her impassioned moans as the Laird used all the talents at his disposal to bring her to the edge before her cries of ecstasy greeted the first light at the top of the Loch.
This time they lay together while the sun edged its way into the sky, looking deep into the blue of her eyes the Laird tried to kiss her but she reeled away "NO, you cannot, or you will become like us." She ran to the Loch grabbing her skin from the shore line and casting her gaze back to the Laird this time he saw a tear at the edge of her eye as she promised that his second son would be safe both on and in the waters of the Loch.
The final gift
The Laird was spent from his efforts and crawled back to his chambers taking several weeks to recuperate. When he finally emerged from his rooms he called for his most trusty courtier and sent him with instructions to find the best weaver in the country to make a cloak of the finest material.
He then called for the wise woman, thanking her deeply for her help and asking her for her help one last time so that he might save the life of his last child, offering all the help she would need to produce the tinctures that were required.
The rest of the year was spent in preparation, castle staff roaming the hills collecting ingredients and brewing fine elixirs, tailors and weavers arrived with fine cloths to create a cloak as never seen before.
The night arrived and the Laird waited patiently by the Loch, on the air a new scent hung, a new mixture of black rose, spice and leather a musky and masculine scent that greeted the Queen as she rose from the water.
Before she could step out of the water the Laird entered carrying the new cloak, embroidered with all the colours of the Loch, from the brown shades of the peat stained waters to the purple of the heather that they had lain in during their love making. Now a bright scent reached her as he lifted off her old cloak and replaced it with this new one, scents of the fir trees and jasmine flowers had been woven into the fabric that he wrapped around her body.
He knelt in the water before her "My Queen, I beseech ye with this gift and the gift of my undying love to let my third son survive this night."
The queen bid him rise as she stared into his eyes "Is that truly what you wish for? To be my consort under the water?"
As the Laird nodded his head, she lifted her mouth to his, giving him a long deep kiss. "Now we will be together forever!"
Beneath the waters
The Laird was never seen again and no more children born upon the Samhuinn were claimed by the Selkie.
So when the waters of Loch Ness stir for no reason when ghostly shapes are seen rising out of the water, it is not a long lost monster, but the Queen and her Laird in the throes of passion.